paleo: Grey Wolf as Totem (Grey Wolf)
[personal profile] paleo
Anti-stress meds are kicking in making me tired, so this will be short probably.

I called my insurances 24hr nurse hotline asking what my first step to finding help for my panic and recurring suicidal thoughts should be. Even though I told her I felt certain that I wouldn't harm myself anytime soon, just that I was scared that somewhere down the road I would, she strongly urged me to go to the emergency room.

I was terrified at first both because of agoraphobia and because I've never been a hospital patient. I had to make small goals in my head: first get ready, then get in the car, then survive the drive, then walk into the building.... I actually did better than I thought. There was one moment in the waiting room where I was clinging on to Jay's jacket for dear life, but otherwise I stayed brave on the outside (if not the inside).

But I got checked out, and of course they totally grilled me about the suicidal thoughts but eventually concluded I could be safely released back into the wild.

They gave me a good talk about options, gave me a three day prescription so I can gain some immediate relief.

My friend who is visiting has been a HUGE help. I've been brough to happy tears by how non-judgemental and supportive he has been. Sometimes I feel like it's "Me and Jay against the world". It was good he was here to remind me that I have even more support.

I feel more hope than I have in a long time. And that's not just because the drugs have kicked in bringing me calm for the first time in months. I feel like a journey has begun. It might not be always easy, but it has begun.

I should have done this years ago. But nevermind. I did it now.

I hear my husband and friend talking about Skyrim in the living room. My cat is sleeping on my bed. And I feel close to fucking normal, if tired, in my mind right now. I'm not cured, the fight isn't over. But goddamn it feels good to have hope for a change. I actually feel like life is good.

And if you have *ever* given me any words of support or advice, THANK YOU. You added in some way to the momentum I needed to accept my problems and seek help. Thank you.

Date: 2012-01-16 01:49 am (UTC)
moonvoice: (calm - golden jellyfish)
From: [personal profile] moonvoice
You did it now, and that is definitely the main thing. And it's so brave too - going to the emergency room, following the medical advice, letting these things have more importance over the very convincing and destructive internal voices - that's really amazing and empowering, and also bodes well for the paths you take for increased mental health in your future.

Rest well, rest lots, you deserve it. *offers hugs*

Date: 2012-01-16 01:50 am (UTC)
spider_fox: (Default)
From: [personal profile] spider_fox
I'm glad that some relief was given to you, and I hope it continues down the road.

Has this been spurred by your recent family issues?

Date: 2012-01-16 02:12 am (UTC)
feralkiss: Clouded leopard walking up to the viewer, intense look and tongue licking its lips. (Default)
From: [personal profile] feralkiss
I'm glad you made this first step :) you are very brave.

Date: 2012-01-19 11:25 pm (UTC)
feralkiss: Clouded leopard walking up to the viewer, intense look and tongue licking its lips. (Default)
From: [personal profile] feralkiss
*Blushes.* This means a lot to me. Thank YOU. And don't worry about the decrese in DW activity, because that's what the mental fatigue and fog do to us. :( I know what it feels like, I understand. *Hugs!*

Date: 2012-01-16 03:07 am (UTC)
citrakayah: (Default)
From: [personal profile] citrakayah
Hope that things continue to improve, and that you win the fight.

Date: 2012-01-16 04:09 am (UTC)
drgnhlr: (Default)
From: [personal profile] drgnhlr
I'm glad you went for help, even if you weren't quite at the 'knot at the end of the rope'. :3 Also glad that your friend is being supportive. This helps.

Here for you. Rest well, and a lot, as Moonvoice said.

*offers hugs*

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