Jan. 15th, 2012

paleo: Grey Wolf as Totem (Grey Wolf)
Anti-stress meds are kicking in making me tired, so this will be short probably.

I called my insurances 24hr nurse hotline asking what my first step to finding help for my panic and recurring suicidal thoughts should be. Even though I told her I felt certain that I wouldn't harm myself anytime soon, just that I was scared that somewhere down the road I would, she strongly urged me to go to the emergency room.

I was terrified at first both because of agoraphobia and because I've never been a hospital patient. I had to make small goals in my head: first get ready, then get in the car, then survive the drive, then walk into the building.... I actually did better than I thought. There was one moment in the waiting room where I was clinging on to Jay's jacket for dear life, but otherwise I stayed brave on the outside (if not the inside).

But I got checked out, and of course they totally grilled me about the suicidal thoughts but eventually concluded I could be safely released back into the wild.

They gave me a good talk about options, gave me a three day prescription so I can gain some immediate relief.

My friend who is visiting has been a HUGE help. I've been brough to happy tears by how non-judgemental and supportive he has been. Sometimes I feel like it's "Me and Jay against the world". It was good he was here to remind me that I have even more support.

I feel more hope than I have in a long time. And that's not just because the drugs have kicked in bringing me calm for the first time in months. I feel like a journey has begun. It might not be always easy, but it has begun.

I should have done this years ago. But nevermind. I did it now.

I hear my husband and friend talking about Skyrim in the living room. My cat is sleeping on my bed. And I feel close to fucking normal, if tired, in my mind right now. I'm not cured, the fight isn't over. But goddamn it feels good to have hope for a change. I actually feel like life is good.

And if you have *ever* given me any words of support or advice, THANK YOU. You added in some way to the momentum I needed to accept my problems and seek help. Thank you.

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paleo

January 2013

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